Going through a breakup is something I’ve never been good at. There is so much confusion, second guessing, memories, regrets, wishes, hopes, dreams, and everything else that seem to just takeover everything all at once. I know when enough time passes, everything will be fine. But it just feels impossible. It’s a lot like running away from something for dear life. Every time you turn around, the Thought Monster is there just a few feet behind you.
You still love her, it says. Remember all those times she smiled at only you and you felt like you were the king of the world? Remember how she made you feel like Superman? Remember how she was always cold and wanted nothing more than to be close to you because she said you felt like a heater? Remember how there is nowhere for you to go in this town without being reminded of some magical time you spent together? Remember how many special moments happened that were only shared between the two of you? She’s sharing them now. She doesn’t think they were special. In fact, she hates you for them. She’s mad at those moments. She wishes they never happened.
And you keep running. And it feels good for a time, but then you look back again.
“Just one more time,” you say. “Just to see if it’s still there.”
And it is. It’s always there.
Call her, it says. She’ll say she loves you. You know she does. She just forgot.
And you keep running. You hate yourself for looking back. But you do every once in a while. And it’s always there.
She’s smiling at someone else now. She’s making someone else feel like Superman. She’s still cold but she has a new heater. She’s making new memories and sharing new moments. She’s taking him to all of your spots.
So you keep running. Before you know it, you can’t run anymore. You just want the Thought Monster to eat you. At least then you could stop running. And you slow down. It gets its dirty claws all over you.
You’ll never get over it, it says. And the worst part is that it’s your fault. She was perfect. You’d still be with her if you hadn’t fucked it all up. And you’ll do it all over again next time, if there is a next time. No one could love you. She’s the only one who could. And she’s gone.
You can’t take anymore. You rip the claws from your shoulders and start running again. You learn that the Thought Monster feeds on tears. So you stop crying, finally. You look back less. You run faster than you ever thought possible. You sometimes forget that it’s even there. You still look back sometimes. It doesn’t hurt as much. Just a little. Just enough to remind you that you were in love once. The kind of love no one can understand, and you know they aren’t supposed to.